" Forget the words, focus on authenticity. Authenticity means that you are listening because you are
curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to.
Listen to your own internal voice. Negotiate your way to curiosity (quieting your internal voice), to truly understanding the other person, or express what’s going on for you. “I have to admit that as much as I want to hear what you have to say, I’m feeling a little defensive right now.”
Ask open-ended questions. “Tell me more…” “Help me understand…”
Paraphrase for clarity. Express to the other person, in your own words, your understanding of what they are saying.
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Unless they get the acknowledgement they need, feelings will cause trouble in a conversation."
I feel like the steps to being a good listener tie well into the competencies of emotional intelligence, especially the acknowledgement of the other persons feelings. I feel like a lot of difficult conversations in the workplace can feel like reprimands, and I've experienced discussions in the past where I felt that my feelings were not being accounted for, and it makes a huge difference in the outcome. If the person feels as if they are being attacked, this may cause them to shut down and respond with possible aggression or disinterest.
(Not all of us are as resilient as Dwight Schrute)
Reprimands are difficult conversations. As is telling someone that their performance is not up to expectations. It's hard, but that's an essential part of being a manager. It takes a high level of talent to deliver hard news and leave the recipient feeling good about him/herself. Working through conflict with a colleague can also be difficult, since very often the source of conflict with a colleague is competition set up by the organization (whether intentionally or not). As John Fernandez (CEO of Mass Eye and Ear) said to me, management is simple, but it's not easy.
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